The single greatest invention in the history of mankind is refrigeration. Yeah, that’s right: refrigeration. Better than the wheel and even better than the mini-skirt. If you live in the south of anywhere, you already know this. If you disagree, just think about having to go to the market every single day in order to get food to cook before it spoiled. Now that the most useful invention ever has been identified,
let’s have some looking at the top ten most useless inventions ever.
10. Pizza Cutter
Do not misunderstand. The pizza cutter is actually one of the most useful invention of all time…just not for cutting pizza. The pizza cutter can be put to FAR better use for thin slicing vegetables safely and for scoring cardboard for making into folded boxes. As far as cutting any kind pizza with any topping at all, however, the pizza cutter is absolutely the worst thing you should. A sharp knife or even a solid pair of scissors will grant you better results. So, the lesson learned today is if you want to use your pizza cutter, then use it for practically anything except cutting pizza.
9. Mechanical Pencils
Why? No, seriously…why? The lead always breaks before you finish the first paragraph and often before you get to the first period. You can’t sharpen the dang thing! And, most importantly, you already had regular wooden pencils so why even think about a mechanical pencil in the first place! Don’t make no sense.
8. Kid Scissors
Remember when RalphWiggum told his teacher, Miss Hoover that he wasn’t allowed to play with scissors. And the Miss Hoover demonstrated while informing Ralph that child scissors the other children are right to laugh at him because those things couldn’t cut butter? Well, she was right. Kid scissors also have trouble making their way through construction paper. Since that paper is pretty much the only need most kids ever have for scissors with absolutely not sharp side anywhere, what’s the point? None. Hence, they are a useless invention. One of those things designed to waste time before the end of school, probably.
7. The Electric Pen
Interestingly, most of the things that Thomas Edison is credited with inventing…he didn’t actually invent. He merely improved the light bulb and has almost no hand at all in the movie camera. (The real genius there was yet another underpaid and uncredited employee, William Dickson.) On the other hand, Edison seems to have been extremely involved in creating what remains one of the most ridiculously useless inventions ever conceived: the electric pen. This thing makes the mechanical pencil look like the internet by comparison: imagining trying to actually need a pen that required a small battery-powered motor and used a needle to write not unlike a tattoo needle. Oh, and it also required special and expensive wax paper. The word genius should get a restraining order against the name Thomas Edison.
6. 24 Hour News Channels
In theory, 24 hour news channels should be one of the most useful inventions ever. Unfortunately, the theory does not apply when the practice is merely repeating the same hour’s worth of news for the next 23 hours. It is certainly not as if the world does not produce enough actual news to make a 24 hour news channel worthwhile. Most of what actually is newsworthy never makes it into the cycle and most of what finds heavy rotation in the cycle is not actually newsworthy.
5. Motorized Spin the Bottle
Can you see the stupidity here? A motorized toy that automatically spins the bottle for you when you get together to play a good old-fashioned game of spin-the-bottle. Actually, there are two problems here: in this age of wanton sexuality, do even elementary school kids play the spin-the-bottle for the chance to kiss a member of the opposite sex. But let’s say that spin-the-bottle is not just played for that tame desire; perhaps it is a game of more adult orientation. The entire point of playing spin-the-bottle isn’t to enjoy the suspense of wondering where the bottle will stop spinning. It is to try your hand at spinning that bottle with such expert precision that it lands exactly on the hottie of choice. Utterly random spinning has no place in the game of spin-the-bottle.
You can’t walk in them without looking like Frankenstein’s Creature. And heaven forfend you should step on something vertical and sharp enough to penetrate through foam. If flip-flops possessed any aesthetic quality, perhaps their otherwise utter uselessness could be overlooked and they might just be able to avoid finding a rather high spot on this list of the top ten most useful inventions ever. But the fact is that most flip-flops also look worse than Aunt Patty in the morning. And there ain’t nothing looks worse than Aunt Patty in the morning.
3. Low-Riders (the cars, not the jeans)
You want to know just how useless an invention the low-rider is? Take it out for a spin down the nearest road with speed bumps. Then see how much it will cost to get everything fixed when you have to take into the repair shop the next. The repair shop that you will have to pay a tow truck driver to cart your low-rider to because, of course, every road that leads to the nearest repair shop is also filled with dangerous obstructions because your vehicle rests above the surface just barely enough to allow to pass safely over a frog. Provided the frog doesn’t jump.
2. Nose Rings
Be honest. Be completely Oprah honest here. Have you ever seen anyone with a ring through their nose that actually looks more attractive by virtue of the said ring being through said nose? No, you haven’t. Do not try to argue this one. Nobody looks better with a nose ring than without. Ipso facto, this is one of the most useless inventions ever. And the madness needs to stop here. And now. The same goes for nose studs, by the way. And, well, pretty much anything else that you want to semi-permanently insert into your nose.
What else could possibly top a list of the top ten most useless inventions ever? Cigarettes are designed to kill the person using them. They are specifically crafted by their inventor with the power to make you want more of them. They cause heart disease, lung cancer, yellow teeth, bad breath, loss of friends and—just for a little bit of extra fun—weight gain if you try to quit. Which most people can’t. No other invention in the history has ever cost so many people so much to bring about such damage to their bodies without offering fewer positive attributes. Cigarettes are not just the most useless invention ever, they make a monkey of anyone who smokes that very first one because from that point forward your entire life is devoted to make evil rich guys even richer.
Goodness knows there have been plenty of inventions that seemed designed to be pointless. Umbrellas for your expensive high heels. Automatic coffee stirring machines. Online intelligence tests for Kardashians. Rap music about middle class suburban white society. Caffeinated beer. Wide ties. Leisure suits. Pet rocks. When it comes down to the top ten most useless inventions, however, swapping these ten suggestions out for any of another thousand or so would make perfectly good sense.